The Race Against Time

Love is a symbol of eternity. It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end.
~Unknown

Time is always marching forward, making it easy to get caught up in our day-to-day lives. We allow it to blur ahead, ever faster. How many times have you become been shocked upon realizing how “extra” fast time has seemingly passed in a particular week, month or year? It seems when we focus on time, it moves fast- when we ignore it, it only moves faster.

This makes planning our lives in an orderly fashion something of a hit-or-miss proposition. The majority of us grow up having a “generic societal-norm” plan in place shared by many in our society. Something akin to the following:

High school graduation ► College (or work) ► Work ► Get married by 30 ► Have 2.5 kids by 35 ► Retire at 62 ► Die an old, loved and happy person with a family, who has made a lasting impact on the world.

What can we do when our lives break away from this formula for “success”? It can be a very daunting thing to consider, and can make one feel like a failure in comparison to the rest of society. Wisdom would indicate that you don’t need to follow any set path in life to have a good, happy or successful one: but how can you cope with the reality of your life when the path you imagined following is nowhere in sight?

Personally, I always imagined the above scenario- never figured I’d follow any other route. I personally have always felt if I fail to have at least one child, I will have been a “failure” in life- after all, if I’m not passing on my DNA (and since I’m not curing cancer) then nothing I do will make an impact on the world- very soon after my death, perhaps five years, it will be as if I never existed.

Certainly not everyone feels this way- many do not wish to have children of their own for various reasons. I envy the people who are capable of embracing whatever life has handed them- especially when it’s a solitary existence- and still feel proud of what they’ve done.

I feel a great burden of time upon myself. My current situation finds me lengthily unemployed, while living in my mother’s basement due to incurable anxiety disorder. I’m stuck in my situation due to the lack of full, quality, no-cost options under our current politically designed health system. I’m stuck in a life-quagmire, where I see the years slipping by before all too soon it will be too late for me to have my chance at the vision of what I wanted my life to be. While I am a male, it’s still not too often than you begin to have kids after 40, and since I am attracted to younger women, it is insanely difficult to find a 26 year old who is going to be interested in having a relationship once they hear your age begins with a four. Looking closer to women around my age is folly in most instances- we don’t share interests, and the majority are divorced and already have kids of their own. I do not wish to enter into a relationship with someone that has experienced it all before, and has angry-ex-boyfriends to deal with… but most of all I do not want to be a step-father. I have an internal necessity to have my own children.

This means I only have a touch over two years to A.) find someone much younger than me who is interested in a relationship,  B.) spend time “alone” with her to make sure we’re in love, C.) live together- so we know that we are compatible in a household, D.) get married, E.) spend an initial married timeframe together to enjoy our newlywed status and be able to do things together without other concerns, and… F.) finally, have kids.

That’s a lot to fit into two years, considering I would imagine getting to know each other, living together and enjoying our recent marriage would each take at least six months- already putting this out of the timeframe.  Certainly there are other variables- if all of my wildest dreams come true, I’ll find a younger woman, who will have more time left on her life clock before there’s a danger of being unable to have children. I’m hardly of the sort that requires marriage prior to having kids- the above idea is a “best situation” listing, as it were. But still, even considering these variables, I can feel the weight of my age bearing down on me- but in my world, since I consider children of my own so important, the weight bearing down on me feels more like a guillotine instead of an hourglass.

The worst aspect of all is being unable to break through my current life difficulties- mostly solving my professional dilemma and being able to get back to my own on-my-own adult life that was so rudely torn away from me by others. Overcoming these tribulations is monumental when having to accommodate the anxiety I will suffer with my entire life (miraculous scientific breakthrough notwithstanding). Not only do I need to find work I love, but work I can do, that will allow me to stay healthy and fit my unique work ennvironment requirements while trying to move forward with my life.

All I know is, it’s highly depressing when I encounter one of those “this is a special woman in front of me” situations, and I can’t even start to consider asking her out- what slim, attractive, intelligent woman in her right mind is going to agree to date an overweight, out of work, anxiety ridden goofball stuck in his mom’s basement? It’s a ridiculed cliche (even though I don’t fit the truth of that cliche- I was a successful young professional prior to having others take it all away.) No, I can’t envision the young woman that would feel that none of these things matter and do anything more than either laugh at me, or pity me.

It’s also highly depressing considering the losses already suffered.  Due to working seven days a week year round for eight years, I missed countless relationships during my entire twenties.  Following that period of overworking, I became unemployed and broke, with no means to meet anyone or date- so I’ve spent the first seven-plus years of my thirties without relationships.  It’s further depressing to know that as I near 40 and 50- the cut off age for sex (at least for me… I have no interest in sex with saggy body parts, wrinkled skin, etc.: After your mid-50’s at best (unless you’re a superstar celebrity that’s defied nature)- the concept of sex beyond that age is disgusting).

Knowing I let others in society dictate the fact that I missed out on the single most important human experience- shared sexual bliss- having only a few scared and uninterested partners… it weighs on me, having missed out on the years we are intended to be having sex- as sex is for the young. Sex is for those 14 to 50, not those winding down their lives after that point. Knowing that sex will be something you don’t get to experience in your life in any serious form takes away a part of your spirit, making it hard to have any interest in fighting through the lonely days- without having the hope of sexual contact with another you love, there’s really nothing to look forward to in life of consequence.